We Are the Champions! Or...Are We?

I haven't written about competitiveness in a long time. I haven't thought about it as often as I used to. But recently I was reminded why I turned my back on the subject in the first place. And, as usual, I'd like to share my insights with you.

Many people think that competitiveness, that is, striving to be the best in your field, is a healthy and desirable trait. Our education teaches us it is so, our society encourages us to behave so. However, few understand there is a dark side to competitiveness, a trap that many fall into without even realizing. That dark side is "over-competitiveness".

When the desire to be among the best turns into obsession, you are in big trouble.

I could write a long long article on why competitiveness is dangerous in the first place and why it's not generating the high achievement rate one might expect. I could spend hours arguing that, although they are often found together, high performance and competitiveness are not necessarily connected, or at least not in the way most people think them to be. Being competitive does not necessarily ensure high performance. And vice versa - not caring about competition does not, by any means, imply you'll end up mediocre. But that is a discussion for another article.

For now, I'd just like to point out what happens when our competitiveness is driving our behavior. There are a few dangers that, in my view, we expose ourselves to when we get too competitive, and these I'd like to share with you.

1. Too much competitiveness may lead to arrogance and self-sufficiency

Believe me, I've learned this one on my own. I used to be extremely competitive, obsessing about being on top of my class, about being the best in everything, all the time. This made me blind to countless opportunities for learning from others, which I dismissed with an air of superiority, simply because I considered myself smarter and more knowledgeable than those people or because learning from them might have seemed a sign of weakness.

My competitiveness made me so preoccupied to impress others, that I forgot or simply refused to listen. This way of thinking made me want to talk all the time and perpetually be the center of attention instead of sitting back and being curious about what others had to say or teach me. I sincerely regret my naivety and arrogance - I might have become much wiser much sooner had I not been blinded by my own obsession to be the best.

2. Hyper-competitivness makes one forget that everything and everyone is inter-connected

This fixed idea with being the best often makes you forget that what you do every day has an impact on others. Competitiveness and an attitude of "independence" walk hand in hand. When I say "independence" I refer to that mindset which makes you believe only your own needs matter and ignore the impact of your words and actions on others.

"Independence" is usually a stage of adolescence, a stage of rebellion, a stage when the young are trying hard to prove adults they can stand on their own two feet and don't need anyone's support or approval. Sadly, the competitiveness culture we are all immersed in tends to make people get stuck in this "independence" mindset well beyond the teenage years.

The refusal to offer or receive help, the stubbornness to do it all alone, the ego that makes one deny one's weaknesses and mistakes become stumbling blocks in many people's personal evolution.

By forgetting the many ways we are tied to others, we rob ourselves of precious opportunities to connect, to share, to enjoy life together. The statement "the winner is always alone" tends to become a sad reality.

3. Competition turns play into work

There are many ways in which hyper-competitiveness can poison our lives, and one of them is its impact on "having fun".

There are countless studies - many of them involving children as young as 4 or 5 - which prove that competition robs us of the pure fun of doing things. If kindergarden children, who draw or paint as a form of play and pure fun, are set in a competitive environment, where their drawings are rated against each-other and only one can be the "best" or "prettiest" - kids start perceiving drawing as a chore. They will stop doing it for its own sake and, most importantly, will stop enjoying it as much as they used to.

The fiercer the competition, the higher the stakes, the more stressed people are. I see this in companies every day. People are drained, their work is a hassle, they always feel some sort of unseen threat hanging above their heads - they have a target and they have colleagues to beat to reach that target. Life is serious, work is serious. More sadly, they take this "seriousness" and pass it down to their children, disguised under statements such as: "Life is hard, you have to be the best"

Why should life be that hard after all? Why can't we have fun living? Why do we need to take ourselves so seriously? Why are we so obsessed with being the best at everything? Why are we complicating things that shouldn't be so complicated?

I had a friend who was so competitive that he got annoyed whenever we played boardgames in our group of friends and he lost. I felt he took all the fun out of the game. It turned into a serious thing, the atmosphere was charged, spending time together became stressful.

I believe many of us act just like my friend in many of life's instances - at home or at work. Activities that could be pure joy and make life beautiful receive a stake and are turned into "serious" stuff. Life itself is robbed of its magic, relationships are affected, personal growth is hindered and above all, personal happiness is sabotaged .

Are there areas in your life where you are striving just a little bit too much or competing just a little bit too hard?

Are you taking yourself and your work perhaps just a little bit too seriously?

What are the things in your life that you do just for fun, without attaching some sort of stakes or putting some sort of pressure on yourself?

Is there any more room for connection, for learning from others, for opening up?

Are there "competitors" in your life that could teach you something in only you stopped seeing them as enemies?

My invitation to you today is to reflect on that and, as always, share with me your thoughts.